Me reconozco una criatura sumamente culpógena.
Casi todo el tiempo estoy sintiendo culpa por algo.
Hasta hace cierto tiempo esto me enojaba un montón -todavía me enoja, a veces.
Pero vengo entendiendo que esto es parte, que simplemente vengo a este mundo a explorar este extraño entramado de sensaciones que voy a llamar culpa.
Veo la culpa como un estado de autotortura constante, una total falta de autoamor, disfrazada de respeto, de escucha… incluso de amor.
Pero la culpa es una terrible mentirosa. Me hace ver desafinaciones donde no las hay.
O, mejor dicho, donde la única desafinación es con esos mandatos incrustados en el cuerpo.
Reconociéndome explorador de la culpa, vengo encontrando otro registro.
Se llama arrepentimiento.
El arrepentimiento es la simple humildad de reconocerme humano, aprendiendo.
Que, en este viaje de aprendizaje que es vivir, a veces la pifio. A veces la recontra pifio.
Pero siempre estoy haciendo lo mejor posible, en cada momento.
Me considero alguien total y absolutamente comprometido con su aprendizaje vincular.
Hace unos 12 años que me dedico a esto.
Aun así muchas veces me toma el patrón, la reacción, la resistencia, el miedo, lo reprimido, el autocastigo, la impotencia, la omnipotencia.
Las mil y una caras de la sombra.
Y a veces me toma y me muevo desde ahí.
Hasta hace poco tiempo, ante esto, solo podía reconocer a la culpa.
El tema es que la culpa no me sirve como índice. Está siempre. Haga algo desafinado o no. La culpa, ante la duda, está presente en mí.
En cambio, en estos mismos momentos, me está sirviendo mucho preguntarme:
¿Me arrepiento de esta acción?
Entonces aparece otro tono. Ya no es la autotortura.
Es un registro amable de mi proceso de aprendizaje humano.
Y sí, hay muchas cosas de las que me arrepiento, no siento que deba castigarme.
Simplemente siento pena. Una trompada de humildad.
Un paso más en este inacabable aprendizaje que es existir.
Cuando hay arrepentimiento, puedo abrazarme, en un registro auténtico del dolor que mis acciones pueden haber generado.
Un lo siento real brota del pecho.
Pero sin autocastigo, sin culpa.
Entonces, te puedo ver.
Me puedo ver.
Nos puedo ver.
Humanidades aprendiendo.
Con dolor, con enojos, con frustraciones, con heridas, con deseos, con contradicciones.
Con todo esto que sabemos que somos.
De fondo un terrible amor, una gran humildad.
Somos, ni más ni menos, que humanidades aprendiendo.
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